HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY TY 'BEAR'!!!!!!! I can’t believe that my oldest nephew, my first godson, is now 10!!! That is just crazy!! I love and miss you all and can’t wait to see you when we get home! (Ty is on the far left of the photo, and next to him are his brothers, my other beautiful nephews, Elijah and Izaak.)
Today is Day #10 of 15 of our Appeal Period!!!! Wahoo! Our Appeal Period ends this Saturday, so I should get the final ‘final’ approval from the court on Monday. So here is now my next decision to make, one that I am now contemplating and looking into. On Monday, if everything is signed off in the morning, I can then take Z from the orphanage in the afternoon and have her with me from here on out if I choose to. Here are my dilemmas: First, I am currently in a tiny hotel room that would not suit 2 girls, and even if I trade up to a normal hotel room, what are we to do for a week in a hotel room? That just wouldn’t be ideal at all, and because I don’t want to take her out much in this cold, we would grow very weary of our tight living situation. I just can’t see how that would be a very healthy transition for her. So, I have Gulnara, my coordinator, looking into finding an apartment for a week for me. If we are able to rent a clean, safe apartment for only a week (hard to find – I mean it is hard to find an apartment that will rent for only a week), and for a reasonable price, I might do this. At least with an apartment we have room to play, we have a bath tub, we could cook her porridge and heat her formula in a real kitchen, we can wash her bibs/burp cloths in a real washing machine, etc. Or, do I just continue visiting her as I have done for the next week and pick her up the day before we travel? My question is this; would a week together be beneficial to us, to get a routine down, to learn each other on a more ‘real’ basis, to not worry about her while she remains at the orphanage, etc? Or, would it realistically be better to not disrupt our routine? To only spend a week with a whole new routine, to then spend another week with a whole new routine in Almaty, to then fly home with yet another new routine, is that first week of a new routine really a good idea? Would a week of change away from her normal routine really be the best for her, for us? Would I be better rested, and Z be more at ease, if I were to pick her up the day before we fly out? Part of me thinks that the fewer times we change up her routine, the better. And then of course there is that other part of me that just wants her with me, with MY care, asap. Ohhhh what to do! I would love your thoughts!
Can I say that I adore this girl enough? Z just has so much darn personality! God really did do a great job of pairing us up! Zahri seems to have some definite independence in her, she might be a bit strong willed, she definitely has tons of light in her heart, she is amazingly smart and she has a dynamite personality! I absolutely delight in her giggle! I relate to her love for music and her need to just shake her bootie. I am continually amazed at how smart she is! Today, Bayana played Z’s favorite song on her cell phone, and Z went straight for Bayana’s phone (she loves the tv, camera, cell phones, etc.) Bayana then quietly moved her phone to the other side without Zahri seeing, and Zahri then walked herself around Bayana (in her walker), to see if the phone was indeed on the other side now. Smart!! As I mentioned yesterday, she knows where the puppies are. When I mention, “Where are the puppies? Should we get the puppies?” she looks straight to the top of the piano. When I put the small stacking cup in the large stacking cup she knows to shake it very lightly so it doesn’t fly out right away, and when it does fly out, she waits for me to put it right back in the yellow cup so she can do it all over again.
Since I met Z, I have been making many noises with my mouth, like clicking my tongue, vibrating my lips, kissing, puffing my cheeks, etc. About a week ago she started to imitate me and starting also vibrating her lips…………might I remind you that she is forever drooling, so this is quite a messy new trick, but fun. Well just a couple days ago, when I was vibrating my lips and making noises, she reached up with her fingers and moved them up and down on my lips. What a fun game! She discovered that when she did this, it made really fun sounds, so now this is becoming a really fun new trick. I will have to pull this one out on the airplane………a couple times I am sure.
Here is our favorite black and white puppy. Zahri loves this puppy! I want to frame this photo for her room, as sort of a memento of our time at the orphanage together.
Oh yeah, I am totally pumped! I asked Aina if she could please get me the name of the hospital that Zahri was born at, and Aina gave that to me today, so this week we are going to stop by the hospital for a photo. I also asked Gulnara today if they ever took a photo of Z when she was brought to the orphanage. After some thought she said that the only photo that would be on file is the photo they take for her file at the Department of Education, but they won’t give that to us. I then asked if we could try to at least get a photo copy. Neither she nor Aina really understood why I would ask for this, and I said, I am just trying to think of what I would want if I had been adopted, and I would love a photo of me as a very small baby. I would also love a photo of the hospital where I was born. I would love anything that my family could gather for me to help me visualize my life before adoption. Anyhow, Gulnara said that she would ask if she could please at least get a photo copy of that photo for me. Ohhhh I sure hope that she can, that would be so awesome! I am not sure that I had mentioned this yet either, but a couple weeks ago I had asked if I could please trade the orphanage for the sweater that Z was wearing the day I met her and again on our first day of bonding. One of her caregivers said that she would quietly let me do this, please just buy a new sweater similar to the one Z was wearing and we would trade. So I now have that sweater also for Zahri’s hope chest. Here is a photo of our first day of bonding, the pink sweater is the sweater that I now have for her. Yeah!!!
Well, I learned something new this week; I learned how the caregivers feed our babies. Ugh! Our group had some talks about what is best, and we can see the reasoning behind their feeding style, but it sure isn’t very nurturing. The caregivers sit on the small little wooden chairs that you might have seen in my photos of the playroom; these chairs are maybe a foot off the ground, so when an adult sits on the chair, their legs bend perfectly at 90 degrees. The caregivers then lay the babies on their thighs, with the child’s head close to the caregiver’s knees, and the start to feed the child while laying flat on their legs. Ugh! No attachment, no real nurturing, just getting the job done. I can tell you that if I had to feed 10 babies, 3 times a day, the way that we feed them, lying in our arms, my arm would seriously fall right off after just one day. So, I am sure they just do what they need to do; it just hurts my heart to think that Z hasn’t had much connection while being fed. Here in lies one of our talks in our group, is it good for the children to attach to their caregivers? I mean, so far Z has been in her birth mom’s tummy and learned her sounds and her emotions, she was then in the hospital being cared for by the nurses for a month, and then she was in group #2 for a couple months being cared for by the 6 caregivers in that room and now she is in group #3 with her 6 new caregivers. If the caregivers intentionally care for these children with attachment in mind, is that best for them? This is a tough question! I said that it sure would be nice for the same caregivers to take the children from 1 month to 2 years and then if they had not yet been adopted, they would move up to the older baby house. But when I think of that, is that the best? I just don’t know what is really the best, but at least I can say that ‘for the most part’ I really like the caregivers in Z’s baby room.
24 comments:
Chris,
This is a tough one. Truthfully, the next few weeks are going to be jam packed with adjustments for both of you regardless of what you decice on this one. Although babies, in my opinion, really respond the best to a set routine, I will also say that they adapt really well. If you feel that you want Z with you NOW and you do not want to wait - it will be just fine. You are going to be her security from now on - you will be her one constant while the rest of her world changes. I would think that it might be beneficial for her to have that time with you to become completely dependent on you and maybe this would help her in the coming weeks. On the other hand, I can see why you are considering leaving things the same, too. Either way - you two will be just fine.
Can you believe that it is almost time to take Z home? Wow! What an incredible blessing for both of you! Z is so beautiful and I am so thrilled to hear of her growth and development. What a testimony for what love can do.
Audrey
Oh, this is a tough decision. So you are still in Aqtobe for a week after the appeal period is over before you head to Almaty? I was thinkiing you would be able to leave on day 16.
I can understand not interrupting her routine until you leave, but at the same time, being with you is huge too. Do what your heart tells you to do. Whatever you decide will work for both of you in the end. It's a time of transition and once you are home (so close!) you will be able to settle in to a longer term routine.
I was talking about the bonding period with a friend of mine yesterday and was telling her that you can see (even from the pictures) how Z has grown in many ways since you have been there. Just wait til you get her home!
Bet those puppies are going to nearly wag their tails right off when they see you again. :)
Alysa
I am so excited for you guys! I can't believe that you are this close to coming home! My eyes welled up with tears when you talked about the photo's and the sweater. How awesome and what a great memory for the both of you. This is one of those things that you usually think of "after the fact" and it's too late to get them! Way to to, hopefully this will help remind others too, if they are as sentimental and sappy as I am!
My students are still asking about you and when I check your blog (during reading class, while they are working...) I often have a few kids who come over to check it out too! they are so wonderful!
Good luck on your next big decision, i know that whatever you decide will be the best for you and Z.
Liz
Hi Christy!! What a great post and lots to comment on but I am swamped at work so will have to come back and give my two cents worth. However, I did know of a family that wanted some pictures of their child when they were younger and the only ones were ones in the child's Kaz file and the APs weren't allowed to have them. So, as a happy medium they asked if they could take a picture of the picture. This way they could duplicate the picture to some extent and have it for their child. Just an idea.
I will comment in your post in a moment..but for now..TAG, YOU'RE IT. see my blog for details. :)
I agree the all of you pros and cons and so here is the only thing that I don't think you touched on. You will not be able to recreate what they feed her no matter if you have an apt or not. Unless you are cooking horse meat goulsah stuff.. lol! So taking her out of the baby house and getting her adjusted to jarred baby food now would be good so that if she has constipation or the other you won't have to deal with that on the way home and would have a week to work through any issues she might have. We liked our week of expirementing and that made the plane ride so much better. You can buy a kettle there and boil your water for formula or oatmeal. If she is like our son and others we traveled with she will be stimulated by so much she will not notice if she is in a hotel room couped up but you might. Just a thought about the food as we went through some issues the first week. I have enjoyed your blog and she is precious! You'll look fantastic as mommy and daughter! Gena Lloyd
When I was in Kaz, I didn't go to court until the 4th week of bonding. (It was during the holidays!) After court the baby home director allowed me to take my daughter to my apartment. I was so anxious to have her with me full time because I was so bored. It was so cold and difficult to do much outside.
I loved having her, but I have to say that the transition was difficult. I only heard her cry once or twice when getting into her snow suit at the baby home and thought she was this super-happy baby ALL THE TIME. Well, she didn't sleep longer than 2 hours before waking up crying and was attached to me constantly. She slept on my tummy/chest the best. I couldn't go out of the room without her screaming. She also started some new foods which I was not happy about, but was told to do this by her doctor. I felt I needed to comply since she had to go back for a check up on her cold a week later.
Anyway, she didn't have a BM for 4 days!!!! She was so uncomfortable! I tried everything and finally it worked on the 5th day. Poor girl! I'm sure this added to the transition problem.
My sister called several times to talk me through some things. I was exhausted, but happy. I used a sling for most of the time up and about, but my back was killing me.
The one thing that saved me was buying a walker. I just left it there for other families to use. She liked the independence, and I was able to cook, shower and do laundry w/o her on my hip.
A bigger space and being able to prepare the food is important. But really just a microwave and a fridge would do it if you are starting with baby food jars. I stayed in Astana for 2 more weeks with her and then went to Almaty and stayed in a hotel for a week. They had a small cafe that would give me a pot of boiling water so I could make bottles and food throughout the day. Maybe something like this would work for you if an apt. isn't available?
When it is all said and done, I am glad that I did have her for a month with me full time before traveling. As a new mom, it was important for me to know the signs and how I would get her fed, changed etc. while on the road. Since you will have your mom and sister with you for the trip home, you will be just fine tho, I'm sure.
I love reading your blog and seeing the pictures. You are having the time of your life I can tell!!! Z. is beautiful and seems to be a perfect fit!!
This is already WAY too long, so better stop now.
Good luck!!
Laurie
hey there, it looks like you got some great advice. Having not done this before, I'm not sure either, but, I think i would be really anxious to take her and get used to each other 24/7. If you can't get an apartment, what about if you can get your fancy hotel room back? That sounded nice, and a big bigger too...
Then you can hang around the fancy hotel and find things to do in there, maybe?
That's great you know the hospital she was born in, and you are keeping her sweater. You're so thoughtful. You're an amazing woman and an amazing mom. :)
hey there, it looks like you got some great advice. Having not done this before, I'm not sure either, but, I think i would be really anxious to take her and get used to each other 24/7. If you can't get an apartment, what about if you can get your fancy hotel room back? That sounded nice, and a big bigger too...
Then you can hang around the fancy hotel and find things to do in there, maybe?
That's great you know the hospital she was born in, and you are keeping her sweater. You're so thoughtful. You're an amazing woman and an amazing mom. :)
Hi, my sister. What a support system you have here. I agree with so much of what others have said. I was drawn to the comments on attachment. As you know, Elijah was like a third arm for the first two years of his life. That is something that is hard to plan for--some children are like that, and some are not. You won't know until you are her sole support.
If you took her out of the baby house, it would be like a week more of "maternity leave" where the two of you would bond and you would be her primary care giver. It would give her time to adjust to being with you 24/7 before you put her on a plane. It would help you adjust to being her mom without the hubbub that is definitely going to come when you get home--you will have others at your house, the mail will be there, you know you will feel compelled to try to work and that is such a juggle, you'll be playing catch up and it will be harder to just be still and BE. If you have Zahria for a week by yourself in Kaz, there won't be anything else to take your time but her. I do agree it is a lot of adjustment for her, and I do question whether one big adjustment would be better--it's hard to say. Perhaps this is all a mute point if you are not able to move and don't feel you will be able to care for her well where you are. I did like the suggestion about moving back to that nice hotel--you are already comfortable there. I'm anxious for this appeal period to be done, so you can continue to move forward!
12 days to take off, 14 to see our girl.....
Beck.
Christy,
What a dilemma! I can certainly understand the need to have more space than you currently do---it'd probably be very tough to stay in your small hotel room. The apt. idea sounds ideal, as long as it's clean and you'd feel safe---having a young one so dependent on you can bring about some feelings of vulnerability, and your own comfort will be important! Have you considered returning to your first hotel? It is a known entity and it might feel good to return to a bit of pampering, for both you and Z. I'm sure you'll make the decision that will benefit you both. Congrats on almost being to that coveted Gotcha Day! Quaintance
Hi Christy - I'm so glad you have this great support system. Here are my 2 cents - I'd take her back to your hotel as long as you felt you could feed her safely there. (I'm not sure how the cooking conditions are in the hotel you are at.) Yes there will be a lot of changes, but I think a week of you together will get the two of you use to one another. You will start to understand some of her cues. She will understand that you are the one to look to for her wants. I think if she's use to you for one week, an airplane ride will be less frightening to her. I don't think she'd be bored at your hotel either. I know that with each of my kids, all they wanted as babies was for me to snuggle with them and talk to them and read to them. I think I'd treat it like extra maternity leave and just snuggle with her for hours. It's hard to tell if she'll be clingy or not. Connor was glued to me until he could walk and Alanna couldn't have cared less what I was doing as long as I was within screaming distance. Kaidan is in the middle - I think it all depends on personality which you won't know until you are out and about. Stac
Christy, You have given such a thoughtful analysis of your dilemma, and you have gotten some great insights. I don't think I can add much. You and Z will be in my thoughts as you make your decision. If I were making the decision, I'd take her with me. :-) -Karla
Ben says: If it was me, I'd tell my wife we're takin' her, regardless the size of the room.
Anything you decide though will be fine. Kids are tougher than us. They can adapt to different situations. Neither place is bad.
Christy
What a tough decision. I think that you have received great advice and I know that I would want to bond with her, and no interruptions. I know it might be challenging but in the end it will be one of the only times you guys will be together, alone. I hope they are able to find you suitable living conditions for your last week in Aqtobe.
Can't wait until your off to Almaty
Sandi
Hi Christy,
I agree with Becky! I did that when I was in Kaz with my son and although there were challenges ( I had to carry him in his stroller up and down 3 flights of stairs as there were no elevators so we could go on our daily walks, etc )....but it was well worth taking him home with me to my apartment. It's like taking baby steps for your child transitioning to her new wonderful life! And yes it is different being away from the daily stresses of being home ....so you can focus all your energy on your daughter. I can honestly say it was the happiest time of my life spending that time with my son! My thoughts....Of course, you need to do what works best for you..... good luck!!!!
Marianne
Mom to Talgi
Christy,
I've read only some of the responses, they are all well thought out and well intended; I hope the same can be said of my response.
Zahria will soon be an "official" part of your family; that being said, she has been part of your mind, heart and soul for quite some time. Having said that, I would recommend that you and she have time; simple and unfettered, with each other. Be bored stiff with one another, find each others sleep patterns, become her true north and the safe haven she seeks when scared. You've a long flight coming up and by stripping off the fluff, you two will build back up as mother and daughter, woman and girl. You're doing this already in visiting daily, but you've an opportunity to do this 24/7 for a week in her birth country before flying home to her home country. Small apartment, bathing in a sink, stir craziness...ain't no stopping you now. Just stones in the road.
Whatever your decision, good luck, God Bless and take care. Whatever you do the choice will be made with love in your heart and will be best for you both.
This is a tough decision. It was not so tough for us because the baby home where Haven was, was terrible. I couldn't wait to get her out of there. I will put in my 2 cents. I think that the more time you have with just you and her, even if it is in a horrible small environment, is better. It will be better to be somewhat used to each other when you travel. Haven was so comfortable with us in the baby home but once we got her outside of that environment it was a little different. She had a little sensory overload. Just think the only place Z has ever been is the baby home. I think it is better for the babies own good to get a little used to the new senses and smells, sights and foods before you put them on a plane to somehwhere totally different. I know you will both have so many things to adapt to in the next few weeks but just think you will be doing it together as mother and daughter!!!! Wow, what a feeling. Whatever you choose will be the right decision and you will get thru it just fine!! Just thought I would give you my thoughts since we just experienced not long ago!! Good luck in your decision making and be sure to go with your heart!!!!
Youare already the best mom! You could also try to take a photo of the photo, which would be better than a photocopy of the photo. You capture more nuances of it, and the next replica of it would be better quality.
Suz
Youare already the best mom! You could also try to take a photo of the photo, which would be better than a photocopy of the photo. You capture more nuances of it, and the next replica of it would be better quality.
Suz
Christy,
The question of whether or not to bring Z "home" with you now is really tough. I have 2 from Kaz and had 2 different expereinces. I will give you some background and our experience and you can see if Z might fit in one of these categories.
My oldest, Tamar, did have some attachment to some of her care givers. Due to different circumstances, we had visited for around 4 weeks at the baby house before court. She knew the routine of when I was coming etc. She was sometimes restless waiting for us and came happily with me but never really cried or fussed upon returning to her group. I was an excited 1st time mom anxious to take her "home". I took her from the baby house the day after court. We were in Kaz for another 3 weeks, 2 ended up being in region. I had not 1 night of sleep. Tamar was up every 2 hours and ONLY slept that long if I rocked her 30 minutes, took 30 to get her into her bed, and 30 more to make 4 steps back into mine, then I slept 30 minutes before the cycle began again. If not for my mom being there to take over when I collapsed, I am not sure I would have survived this time. In hindsight, I should have allowed her to maintain her routine until we were ready to head to Almaty.
Fast forward 3 1/2 year to my adoption of Libby. Libby was not at all bonded to her caregivers. She was SUPER attached to me by 7 days into our bonding cycle and SCREAMED bloody murder when she went back to her group. We waited for the driver just under her window and I knew the screaming could go on for 10-15 minutes afterwards easily as I heard
it :-( I never considered leaving her even after my experience with Tamar. Keep in mind, this time it was only me and Tamar so no back up. Libby transitioned beautifully. She went to sleep easily if she could see me and really slept through the night. We had a chance to bond as a family in a very positive way.
If, haha, I were ever to adopt again, I would certainly judge whether or not to make my child transition twice based on the personality, attachment to care givers vs. me, and how I was coping. I know you are excited to be Z's mom, full time, and I can see you are really trying to see things from her standpoint. Continue to really look at what she wants/needs and know you are already a great mom for doing it.
Shanna
mom to Tamar a.12/25/03
and Libby a.8/6/07
Hi Aunt Chris,
I can't wait to see what you got me! It is fine if my present does not come in January. I miss you.
Love Ty
Hey Christy - I wanted to say I love how you are taking all these pictures and documenting everything for little Z. You are such a thoughtful mommy.
Christy, that is tough. You present two valid ways of doing things. You haven't blogged in a couple of days...so I'm assuming that you are or will be moving soon if not already? Can't wait to get an update!
Lovin' the great photos!! What a cutie :)
Eileen
Ditto to what many have said about taking her out of the baby house as soon as possible. My sister did that with her little boy as soon as the moment allowed. Granted, it's gonna be a lot of work, but getting into a routine will be key before you head east to Almaty.
As soon as you can be together full time, the better. Having a week to adjust to full time life together while you still have your support team near (Aina, Gulnara, Bayana, and Seric), will be really helpful. You'll be able to learn each other's schedules and will have time to get used to each other full time before you take little Miss Z on her first plane ride...cross your fingers that you won't be flying SCAT. :-)
Once to get to Almaty and meet up with your family, you'll already have a good sense of Z's patterns, especially eating and pooping! :-)
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