This morning I realized that not everyone understands what a passion I feel towards this adoption. Can you believe it? Not everyone understands me, Christy. :) This is what I was put on this earth to do, to adopt this little girl, I truly believe this. This adoption is my heart. This is the path that God has always intended for me. He knew that I was to be single at 31, he knew that I was meant to seek out adoption and he has led me to Kazakhstan for a reason. He knows my daughter. I have so much faith in this experience, in this journey. I can't explain it to people, some people just don't understand how I could be so drawn to adopt a child. My heart is so full right now. Don't you yearn to have a child biologically some people ask? Nope, at least not right now, right now I yearn to adopt this little girl. We need each other. This morning I thought that same thought, that 'we need each other,' and for a minute I felt like that high school girl that gets pregnant just to feel loved and to be able to love unconditionally, and then I had such peace in that at 31 I am allowed to feel this. This is a normal feeling. It is darn okay to yearn to be a mom at this stage in my life, and it is also darn okay to move forward on my own and bring this little girl into my world. I have so much to offer! I do want to love this little girl so unconditionally and she deserves all of that unconditional love, I am old enough, I have experienced enough to make good decisions for myself and the start of my family, I am educated, I am not making a rash decision. I sound like I am trying to convince someone here, but I am not, these are just facts. Okay, maybe I want to convince myself a bit, but that is just a bit. This is all so crazy to me, that I am actually doing it, that I have actually allowed myself to start this journey and that I am actually going to truly follow my heart's dream and adopt! This is a decision that I have dreamt of for so many years, I knew that I would adopt. I always worried that my husband wouldn't support my dreams of adoption, it just seems that there is more hesitancy from those darn boys. I do have to admit that I wish that I had found that perfect someone (and maybe I have but life has just found a sneaky way of getting in the way), I wish that I were happily married, and I wish that I could offer this little girl an amazing father, but that will have to come down the road for us. Who knows, maybe it will happen sooner than later, God only knows the answer to this one. And then again, maybe we will be our little family forever. I could go up on a soapbox right now about marriage versus the blessings of being single, but as Kristi would say, I digress. :) At any rate, I would love to adopt a second little one some time down the road, siblings are amazing. Adoption has always been my dream and dreams do come true!
6 comments:
You did a great job of expressing how I felt before both of my adoptions. I totally know how you feel!
Shanna
now mom to 2 Kaz kids
Christy, There has been no doubt in my mind, from the moment I found your blog, that this was meant to be for you. I could certainly feel this love that you are going to give this daughter of yours. What a team you'll be!!
I know what you mean about how not everyone understands. I'm going through that with a *friend* now. She doesn't understand why we are doing a baby registry now or why we are *nesting* for our little one. Can you believe this? She's our landlords wife so things are a little tricky :) I finally had enough of her negative talk yesterday. I've been holding back my excitement for our adoption when I'm around this woman. No more! Times like this I miss my mom. I can't believe she's gone. (sorry to get emotional!!!)
Anyway....this is about you! I hear the conviction without knowing you personally. You truly want to be a mom! I'm very happy for you.
Eileen
It is amazing to read your emotional expression about how you feel destined to adopt this child and be her mommy. You are really inspiring and it is just so wonderful to be able to share this - even through a blog - with you! Thank you for writing that!
Christy:
I totally can relate. I too have found myself over the years trying to ascertain what my motivations are for wanting a child. Am I the 30 something year old acting like the high schooler who gets pregnant? It is so nice to read someone else's thoughts that so aptly mirror my own.
But I think we are putting too much pressure on ourselves to make sure that we are wanting children for the "right" reasons. Because up till now I have not heard one person tell me what the "right" reason is. Not married couples, not single women, not the social worker, not anyone.
I think in many ways if we are honest, birthing a child into our world is really a bit selfish. Not the bad kind of selfish with all the negative implications but just an act we do with our own wants foremost in our mind. But, hey, this is what adults do. They have children - they parent. No not everyone...but the vast overwhelming majority do. You are just fulfilling your biological purpose. And no, I don't think that that is just having biological kids, it is to nurture and protect the next generation.
It is our analytical mind that makes us hunt (especially those that are particularly concientious like yourself) for our reasoning behind our natural decision. To try and ferret out the flaws in our decision. But there is no flaw - it is exactly as it is supposed to be. Your gut/instinct tells you this even when your mind tries to argue. I, too, have this constant argument between my instinct and my mind and know that it will all be a moot point when I have my child. A done deal - and finally my mind will be silent - at least on this point - LOL.
hear hear! Preach it for us all, sister.
Christy, The love, commitment, and excitement you have for the daughter you haven't even met just flows off the page! Your posts are inspiring and they reflect and reaffirm how I feel as well, you just put it into words so perfectly! Thank you for sharing your personal journey. Your little Kazarina is going to be a very lucky girl to have you as her Mom.
Alysa
Post a Comment